Freaks
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Assassination attempts on the lives of Gotham City's most eccentric criminals drive them to desperate measures - namely, banding together against their common enemies. Will the supervillains be able to set aside their differences for the greater good of bad?
1. Chapter 1

**Freaks**

The day had started out so well. The days that began with jokes always did. Harley Quinn was awoken that morning by the words, "What's big and hard and used to rev up a Harley?" The answer was the Joker, and the next couple hours were utter ecstasy, abruptly ended by him suddenly rolling off her and saying, "Go make breakfast, you useless dame."

It was difficult enough for her to stand, let alone make her way to the kitchen and cook. She thought fondly over the last few hours as she languidly fried some eggs, so intent on the memories that she ended up burning the toast. By the time she left the kitchen with breakfast, he was up and dressed and scribbling away at his desk on his usual array of schemes and plans and traps for Batman. She put the plate down in front of him with a sulty kiss, but he shoved her away. "Trying to work here, you greedy brat!" he snapped. "Get lost, would ya?"

She beamed at him. Mr. J wasn't one for cuddling, or tender displays of affection afterwards. But he sure knew how to give a girl a good time when he was in the mood. Their moments of intimacy may have been comparatively infrequent, but the quality more than made up for the quantity. When Mr. J dedicated himself to something, he gave it his all. And when he lost interest, nothing on earth could make him resume. But Harley was used to being patient and biding her time when she had to. It was worth the wait, it really was.

She kissed the top of his head tenderly, then ate her breakfast in silence and returned to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of milk. She opened the refrigerator and sighed.

"All outta milk," she muttered to herself. And she had used up the last of the bread making extra toast. A trip to the supermarket appeared to be in order.

She sighed again, returning to the bedroom and dressing in normal clothing so as not to attract too much attention on the streets of Gotham. "Just heading to the grocery store, puddin'," she said, re-entering the living room and putting her hair up in pigtails. "You need anything?"

"I don't know, Harley," he growled. "I don't keep track of mundane stuff like that. Why don't you look into the fridge and see if we're missing anything? Or are you blind and stupid?"

She smiled at him again, kissed his cheek, and left, shutting the door behind her. Left alone, the Joker wiped his cheek, muttering to himself about clingy, worthless women, while his eyes remained intently focused on the plans in front of him. So intently focused that he didn't hear the figure approaching from behind him. The figure that suddenly and without warning wrapped a cord around his neck and began choking him.

Joker was caught off guard, but was still a strong enough man to fight back fiercely even when taken by surprise. He tried to flip the man over his shoulder, but he was sturdy and bulky, and managed to hold his ground against Joker's struggling, keeping the cord wrapped tightly around his throat. He had dragged Joker to the ground and was kneeling over him, strangling him, when Harley suddenly re-entered the room.

"Forgot my purse, pudd…" she began, but suddenly noticed what was happening and let out a shriek. But Harley was a woman of action, especially when Joker was threatened, and so without hesitation seized her hammer and smacked the man across the face with it. He let go of Joker and started back in surprise as Harley continued to clobber him.

Joker stumbled to his feet, taking shuddering gulps of air. He tried to gasp out to Harley not to kill the guy, as he wanted to find out where he came from, and on whose behalf, but he couldn't catch his breath in time before Harley beat the man's skull in.

The body fell to the ground, and Harley instantly rushed to Joker, embracing him tightly. "You ok, puddin'?" she breathed.

"Don't choke me, you stupid girl, I've had enough of that!" he growled, shoving her away. "And why did you kill him, Harley?"

"He was attacking you, puddin'," replied Harley, puzzled. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"You could have kept him alive for questioning," retorted Joker. "Now we don't know who sent him."

"Gee, I'm sorry, puddin'," replied Harley. "I didn't think…"

"No, that's the problem, all right," he retorted. "And as usual, I'm going to have to do my best to clean up the mess you made because you didn't think."

He bent over the body and began examining it for clues. Harley laughed nervously. "Guess it's a good thing I'm so forgetful, huh, Mr. J? If I hadn't left my purse, you'd probably be dead right now."

"And you think that's funny, do you?" he demanded.

"No, of course not, puddin'," she said, quickly. "Not funny at all. Just kinda ironic, I guess. Y'know, that you're always complaining about how ditzy I can be, and then that ends up saving your life. Don't you think that's kinda ironic, puddin'?"

"Shut up, Harley," he growled. There was no ID on the corpse, nothing on the clothing to indicate any particular allegiance. But there was something unusual, he noticed, narrowing his eyes, on the man's lips. Something that looked like lipstick.

He wiped his hand across the mouth, then held his finger up to Harley. "That look familiar to you?" he asked.

Harley studied it. "Well…yeah, but she wouldn't do something like this, puddin'…"

"Why not?" he interrupted. "The bitch hates me, doesn't she? Why wouldn't she send one of her hypnotized stooges to kill me?"

"It ain't Red's style, Mr. J," replied Harley. "She'd want the pleasure of killing you herself. She wouldn't dream of letting anyone else do it."

He nodded slowly. "You may have a point. But if she didn't send him, she must know who did, since whoever it is has access to her mind-control lipstick. Let's go pay Pammie a visit, cupcake."

"What about the milk, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"You wanna go grocery shopping, or you wanna find out who tried to kill me?" he demanded.

"Well, when you put it like that…" replied Harley, heading for the door. "I guess we can always pick up the milk on the way though, can't we, Mr. J?"

"Just get in the car, Harley," he retorted.

"Fine. But don't blame me when you want a milkshake later and we ain't got no milk," muttered Harley. "Which you will. And it'll be my fault as usual, just like it always it. 'Harley, why are we out of ice cream?' 'Harley, why don't I have any clean socks?' 'Harley, why did you kill the assassin?' I can't do anything right, can I, Mr. J?"

"No, you can't, you worthless dame," he retorted. "Now get in there and shut up."

She got into the car and folded her arms across her chest. He got in the other side and they drove off, sitting in silence for a bit.

Joker suddenly leaned over and kissed her cheek, then fixed his eyes back on the road. Harley immediately melted, sighed in delight, and gazed at him in adoration for the remainder of the journey.


	2. Chapter 2

Poison Ivy threw open the door, pointing her crossbow at her visitor's face. She was greeted by the muzzle of a gun in her own face, held by none other than the Joker, with Harley clinging to his arm. They realized it was a stalemate and both slowly lowered their weapons.

"I thought you were Harvey," Ivy growled. "I've been expecting him to come finish his dirty work himself since the assassin he sent failed to kill me."

"Is Harvey in the habit of sending assassins?" asked Joker.

"No," snapped Ivy. "I always thought better of him. I thought if he was going to try to kill me, at least he'd be man enough to do it himself."

"Funny, I thought the same thing about you," retorted Joker. "And yet I too am faced with the inevitable conclusion that you sent an assassin to get rid of me. It's not very sporting of you, Pammie, is it? At least match yourself against me, rather than some pathetic lackey."

"What are you talking about?" demanded Ivy. "I haven't sent any assassin."

"I found traces of your lipstick on him," he retorted. "Unless you're telling me someone else got ahold of that?"

"They must have," she retorted. "Because I would never dream of letting someone else enjoy the pleasure of killing you."

"See, Mr. J, I told you," replied Harley, beaming. "Told you Red hated you too much to let anyone else do it!"

"I wouldn't normally trust you, Pammie, but our stories are too similar to be coincidences," said Joker, grinning. "Someone is clearly trying to turn us against each other, which admittedly wouldn't be that difficult to do. And also, apparently, you against Harvey. How do you know the assassin was from Mr. Bipolar?"

"He told me," she retorted. "Under duress, of course."

"Oh, you managed to keep yours alive, did you?" he said. "Well, that's good news. Harley had some difficulty doing that with ours and beat his brains out instead, didn't you, pooh?"

"I said I was sorry, Mr. J," she snapped.

"Is he still alive?" Joker asked.

"For now," replied Ivy, nodding. "But you're saying he's lied to me about who sent him?"

"Unless for some reason Harvey wants to kill both of us," replied Joker. "And I can't imagine why he would. Or, if he does, why he doesn't just do it himself. I like to think there's some form of honor among thieves. And Harvey's always been perfectly willing to do his own dirty work, as long as he gets permission from his coin."

"I'll make the assassin tell me the truth," said Ivy. "Why don't you two come in? It might amuse you to watch."

She held open the door and they followed her into a room filled with plants. Wrapped in vines against one wall was a man, tightly bound and surrounded by thorns. Ivy gestured and the vines brought the man down toward her. "You might recognize my acquaintances, handsome," she said, nodding at Joker and Harley. "And they've told me kinda a funny story. They've told me an assassin was sent to kill them too. A friend of yours, maybe?"

The assassin shook his head. "I don't know nothing about that," he retorted. "Two-Face told me to kill the plant bitch. Didn't say nothing about the clowns."

"And you're sure your orders came from Two-Face?" asked Ivy.

"Sure I'm sure," he retorted.

"I don't believe you, handsome," she breathed. "I think you're lying to me. And if you are, I'll have the truth out of you, any way I can."

"Do your worst," he snapped.

"Oh, you don't want to see my worst," laughed Ivy. "I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do this. But you don't really leave me much of a choice, now do you? I need the truth, handsome. And you're going to tell me it. Right now."

Without warning, she seized his face in her hands and kissed him. She drew her mouth away slowly and murmured, "Now tell me the truth. Who sent you, and why?"

"We were sent to eliminate the freaks," murmured the man, hypnotized by Poison Ivy's lipstick.

"Eliminate the freaks?" she repeated. "And who sent you to do that?"

"Rupert Thorne, Sal Maroni, and Carmine Falcone," replied the man. "They own this town. Or at least they used to, until you freaks showed up. Bunch of crazies with delusions of grandeur trying to rival the mob bosses. Thinking your silly little games can compete with real crime. Well, the gangsters have had enough of you weirdos in costumes playing dress-up. They've had enough of the jokes and the games. They're taking back Gotham City for the real criminals, and eliminating the freaks. You're all on their list, and you're all going to go. They thought it would be easiest to turn you against one another, and let you finish each other off. But even if that fails, they'll find other ways. They won't stop until Gotham is wiped clean of scum like you. Filthy, disgusting freaks."

Joker, Harley, and Ivy were all silent for a moment. Then Joker started laughing. "Sticks and stones will break your bones," he chuckled. "But names will never hurt me."

And he suddenly began beating the man mercilessly with his cane, laughing hysterically. Ivy summoned her vines to wrap around the man's throat until the life was choked out of him. Joker kept beating him until he felt the bones break, chuckling madly. Then there was silence.

"What do you think we should do, J?" asked Ivy, quietly.

Joker was silent for a moment, wiping his cane with his handkerchief. "I think we should have a meeting of all the freaks," he replied, grinning. "If they're banding together against us, we're going to need to band together against them, aren't we? Why don't you spread the word, Pammie? Say 8 o'clock at my place? We'll make milkshakes for everyone."

"We will if we stop by the supermarket on the way home," reminded Harley. "But we're out of milk, Mr. J."

"Of course we'll stop by the supermarket," he replied. "We'll need some canapes if we're expecting company."

"And cocktail weenies? Can we get cocktail weenies, Mr. J?" asked Harley, excitedly, clapping her hands. "I love cocktail weenies!"

"Yeah, sure, kid, whatever you want," he replied. "I can leave passing out the invites with you, can I, Pammie?" he asked.

"Sure," she replied, shrugging. "Anyone you want me to leave off the list?"

Joker thought. "No need to invite Eddie Nygma – I still haven't forgiven him for last Halloween when he came to my party as Mr. Harley Quinn. If the mob takes him out, it would only be a blessing. And obviously if anyone's in Arkham, they're pretty safe. Just see who's around."

"Ok. See you at eight," said Ivy, seeing them out. She shut the door, then turned to face the body. Shutting her eyes, she summoned her plants. "C'mon, babies," she murmured. "Time to eat."


	3. Chapter 3

"Anybody else need a milkshake?" asked Harley, holding up one and looking around the room. The guests consisted of Poison Ivy, Two-Face, Jonathan Crane, and Jervis Tetch, all of whom had a milkshake each. "Good," she said, sucking on the straw as she sat down next to Ivy. "This all feels kinda official, don't it?" she asked, grinning. "Like being back at school or something."

"We never got milkshakes at school," replied Ivy.

"Or cocktail weenies," said Tetch, passing the plate to Harley.

"No, but you know what I mean," said Harley, gesturing to the chairs, facing the platform which had been set up and the chalkboard on the wall. "Sitting here like this, not knowing what to expect, waiting for the teacher…"

As if on cue, the Joker strode into the room. "Except none of my teachers were ever that hot," sighed Harley, gazing in adoration at him as he approached the chalkboard.

"Evening, boys and girls," said Joker, beaming. "I don't know how much Pammie's told you about why you're all here, but I can assure you, it's not just a social gathering."

"Yes, we know that," snapped Crane. "We're all here because attempts have been made on our lives. I think we were all hoping you had some clue as to who was responsible."

"I do know who's responsible," replied Joker, nodding. "And we'll make them pay, I assure you. But before I let you in on the joke, let me ask a couple questions. What is Gotham City famous for?"

Harley's hand shot up. "Pick me! Pick me! Oh, pick me, Mr. J, please!"

"Yes, Harley?" he said.

"Gotham City is famous for its steel and petroleum industry," said Harley, matter-of-factly. "It's one of the biggest industrial hubs in the United States, rivalled only by Metropolis, Chicago, and New York."

"Thank you, Harley, but I didn't really mean in terms of manufacturing," he replied. "More as in what Gotham is known for."

"Oooh, oooh, I know, Mr. J, pick me!" shrieked Harley, throwing up her hand again.

"Yes, Harley?" he sighed.

"It's first in the country for education," she replied. "Gotham City University rivals some of the Ivy Leagues in terms of scholarship. I'm an alumnus, by the way, did everyone know that?"

"Harley, I'm not talking about anything like that," snapped Joker. "I mean when people hear Gotham City, what do they immediately think of?"

Harley stared blankly back at him. "Um…great place to raise the family?" she said.

"Nobody thinks that!" Joker snapped. "It's a terrible place to raise the family! It's full of criminals, gangsters, and costumed freaks! And I was talking about the latter! When people think Gotham, they think about one costumed freak in particular! A flying rodent in a cape! Any guesses who I mean, Harley?!"

"Batman! It's Batman! You mean Batman, doncha, Mr. J?" she cried.

"Thank you, Harley, it was a rhetorical question," he retorted. "Just shut your mouth for the rest of the meeting, ok?"

"Oooh, Mr. J, I've been a really bad student, getting all your questions wrong," murmured Harley. "I'll have to stay after class and be punished, right? You wanna spank me, Teacher?"

Joker stared at her, then smiled at the assembled criminals. "Excuse me for just a minute," he said, stepping down off the platform and going over to Harley. "Harley, baby, you wanna be Teacher's Pet?" he murmured, leaning forward and grinning.

"Oh yeah, Mr. J," she whispered, shutting her eyes and putting out her lips.

"Then put a sock in it!" he snapped, shoving a sock into her mouth. "This ain't a double act! I'm in charge of this retaliation, and don't you forget it!"

"Hold on, when did we ever agree to that?" snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, why would we ever want a crazy nutcase in charge of this operation?" demanded Two-Face.

"We're all mad here, Harvey," said Tetch. "But I can't help but agree that a more rational, less spontaneous form of madness might be the prudent choice for a leader."

"Thank you, Jervis, I'll assume that was directed at me," said Crane, smiling. "We do need a man of intelligence to plot out a strategy, after all."

"Yeah? And you think that's you, college boy?" demanded Joker. "With your little fear gas and your mind tricks? I don't need to trick the mind in order to break it, thanks."

"I think it's ridiculous to let a male be in charge of an important operation like this," said Ivy. "It clearly needs a lady's delicate touch."

"Well, that leaves you out, bitch," snapped Two-Face. "You ain't a lady, and you ain't ever had a delicate touch. If what Pammie said is true, and the gangsters of Gotham are behind this, I should be the one in charge. I'm used to dealing with scum like Thorne, Maroni, and Falcone."

"What's needed is someone of superior intellect to those buffoons," said Tetch. "I would nominate myself."

"You?" retorted Crane. "If we put you in charge, we'll end up fighting them as the White Rabbit and the March Hare and the Walrus and the bloody Carpenter! I still consider myself the most obvious choice."

"The most obviously stupid choice," growled Two-Face. "The most obvious choice is a man who's had experience dealing with these jerks!"

"The most obvious choice is not a man," retorted Ivy. "Especially not a hot-headed, bi-polar, useless waste of skin like Harvey."

"Hold it, hold it, hold it!" shouted Joker over the yelling and fighting. "We're never going to agree like this! This is a democratic country, so let's put it to a vote. And whoever wins the vote leads the operation. Agreed?"

There was a murmur of assent. But the problem with that idea was that each of the supercriminals voted for themselves, so they were all tied at one vote each. Until they came to Joker. "Now last but certainly not least, who thinks I should be in charge of this party?" asked Joker, grinning. He raised his hand. And so did Harley.

"Two votes – that's more than the rest of you losers," said Joker, smiling. "Which means I win. You may call me General Joker, if you like. Now as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," he said, returning to the platform. "Gotham is famous for Batman. Our very own super-freak in a costume. The people behind the attempts on our lives, Rupert Thorne, Sal Maroni, and Carmine Falcone, want to rid Gotham of freaks such as ourselves. But what they don't understand is that Gotham is our city. How many times has Batman called Gotham 'his' city? He's no different to the rest of us. We're all freaks in costumes, misfits, outcasts, some of us incredibly handsome and super-intelligent, some of us not so much. But we all stand out from the crowd. We are the ones who make Gotham unique, not the likes of those second-rate crooks. Cities like Chicago and New York have problems with gangsters. But only Gotham has problems with super-villains. This is our town, boys and girls. I intend to keep it that way."

Harley burst into enthusiastic applause. The gag prevented her from speaking, but her attempts at dialogue clearly indicated approval. "Great speech, generalissimo, but what exactly is your plan, your eminence?" snapped Ivy.

Joker smiled at her, then turned to face the chalkboard. "Sources have informed me that the three mob bosses will be having dinner together to discuss what next to do about their little pest control problem tomorrow night. This dinner will take place at Rupert Thorne's penthouse apartment."

He drew a tall building onto the board. "The apartment is located on the top floor of a seemingly unbreachable fortress," he said, indicating it with a star. "There's no way in from above, which would be the Bat's usual approach. So we'll have to enter it from below."

He drew an arrow. "There's a grate leading to the ventilation shaft at the left hand side of the building. This is unguarded. The ventilation ducts will lead us to the elevator shaft which will allow us to reach the apartment undetected. Or at least, stealth is the general plan. If we are somehow discovered and forced to cause a little chaos, there is no greater fan of mayhem than I. And I'm adaptable to a little change of plans, as well, depending on how the whole operation goes. But that's the gist."

He continued to draw with the chalk, sketching out first a flower, then a bat, then a dog. The minutes ticked by in silence until Tetch held up his hand. "Um…J…what are you doing?" he asked.

"Drawing an elephant," retorted Joker.

"Has it got anything to do with the plan?" demanded Crane.

"Nope," he said, continuing to draw. "Sorry, I forgot to ask if there were any questions. Just let me finish up Dumbo here."

He drew tusks, then spears in the elephant, then blood spilling from it and crosses for eyes. "There we go!" he exclaimed. "All done! Any questions?"

Harley's hand shot up, but she was still gagged, and could only make unintelligible noises.

"What do we do when we actually reach the mob bosses?" growled Two-Face, flipping his coin.

"Well, you can give them your little coin toss if you want, Harv," replied Joker, grinning. "But even if it comes up on the good side, they're not leaving the penthouse alive."

"I meant who gets them?" said Two-Face. "There are three of them and six of us."

"Ever heard of sharing, Harv?" asked Joker. "One for me and Harley, one for you and Pammie, and one for Crane and Tetch. I don't care who gets who, so speak up now if you have a preference."

Harley tried to speak again, waving her hand. "I don't want to share with Pam," growled Two-Face.

"And I don't want to share with Harvey," snapped Ivy.

"Sheesh, it's so awkward when colleagues date and it doesn't work out," sighed Joker, rolling his eyes. "Fine. Pammie, you're with Crane and Tetch with Harvey. Any objections to that?"

Ivy and Two-Face replied in the negative, still glaring at each other. Harley was straining to speak, stretching her hand out and waving it around desperately. "Now everyone look out for your buddy when we're inside," chuckled Joker. "Save the in-fighting and trying to kill each other for when the gangsters are dead."

"And what do we do if Batman shows up?" asked Tetch.

"Don't you worry about Batsy, Hatty," replied Joker, grinning. "Leave him to me. What IS it, Harley?" he snapped, as she began leaping up in the air and waving her hand.

"Does anyone smell burning?" asked Crane, looking toward the kitchen.

Harley gestured desperately toward the kitchen. Joker pulled the gag off. "The canapes, Mr. J!" she exclaimed. "I forgot about the canapes!"

"Well, go get them, you stupid girl!" he shouted. "Why didn't you just leave and go take them out of the oven?!"

"You were speaking, Mr. J, and being so charismatic and dominant, puddin'," purred Harley. "It just really got me revving…"

"Harley, canapes, now!" he shouted, shoving her toward the kitchen as smoke began to stream from it. She rushed into the kitchen and returned a moment later with a smoldering plate of burnt food. "Anybody like them well done?" she asked.

Nobody responded. "Well, at least we still have the cocktail weenies!" she exclaimed, tossing the plate of burnt canapes away and picking up the other. "Who wants one?"

"I think I'll call it a night, if it's all the same to you," said Ivy, rising. "Want to be well-rested for tomorrow."

"Yeah, me too," agreed Two-Face. The other two murmured agreement, and in about five minutes, Joker was left alone with Harley, still holding the plate of cocktail weenies.

Harley shrugged. "More for me," she said, sitting down with the plate in front of her and devouring them.

"Don't pig out on them like that, you greedy brat!" snapped Joker, seizing the plate from her. "You'll spoil your appetite!"

"For what? Dinner? I ain't cooking tonight, Mr. J, you can't breathe in there," said Harley, nodding at the kitchen. "It's all full of smoke."

"Guess you'll just have to starve tonight as punishment, won't you, Harley?" he said, helping himself to the sausages.

"Hey, those are mine!" exclaimed Harley, trying to seize the plate from him.

"What, you expect _me_ to starve, you useless dame?!" he demanded, fighting with her. "You're the fat one, Harley, you can stand to skip a meal!"

"I ain't fat!" she shrieked. "Any weight I put on just goes straight to my ass, that's all!"

"Yeah, so you're fat!" he shouted. "I call that flabby! You should probably lay off the puddin', Harley!"

He slapped her bottom hard and she leapt back, yelping in pain. Then her eyes narrowed as her hands balled into fists. "C'mere, puddin'," she hissed.

She punched him and he dropped the plate, sending the cocktail weenies everywhere. Then she leapt on him, knocking him the ground and choking him. "I ain't fat!" she hissed. "I ain't, I ain't, I ain't! Am I, Mr. J?"

She said this last sentence pleadingly, gazing at him tenderly. He chuckled. "No, you ain't fat, baby. You just got a nice couple of apples for Teacher to polish."

He squeezed her bottom and she grinned. "Oh, Mr. J, you do love your little Teacher's Pet, don't you, puddin'?" she breathed.

"Course I do, pumpkin pie," he replied, kissing her. "But I think I'd prefer to be called General J now, baby."

"General J!" she sighed. She giggled, and saluted. "Private Quinn, reporting for duty, sir! Got any orders for me?" she murmured.

"Yeah, I do, actually," he whispered. Then he suddenly shoved her off him and got up. "Go order me a pizza, kid."

"Okie dokie, General J, sir!" replied Harley, beaming. "And then maybe your little private can have a little private time with you, huh, sir?"

"Ten four, Quinn," he said, leaving the room.

"What's that mean? Mr…I mean…General J, I don't speak army! What's that mean? Is that a yes? General J? Sir? Puddin'?"

Harley shrugged, then grabbed the phone and dialled the pizza place. "I assume it's a yes. I'm a lucky girl – twice in one day. Maybe people should try killing Mr. J more often. It clearly puts him in the mood."


	4. Chapter 4

Poison Ivy arrived at the park outside the Thorne penthouse the next evening to see that Two-Face, Crane, and Tetch were already there. "Any sign of the clowns?" she asked.

"Not yet," growled Two-Face. "Think they might not show?"

Ivy shrugged. "I can never tell when J's kidding or not. This whole thing might just be one big joke of his, for all I know. I don't know how Harley puts up with him."

"She's crazy," retorted Crane. "That's simple."

"If love is madness, and the mad succumb to the madness of love, does that make them sane?" asked Tetch.

"No, it makes them even more mad," retorted Crane. "Terrifyingly so."

Ivy looked up at the building in front of them. "Do you think J's whole stealth plan is going to work?" she asked.

"I don't have a better idea," replied Two-Face. "If we're discovered, they outnumber us. This seems like the only sensible approach."

"Which is why I don't trust it coming from J," replied Ivy. "Since when did he ever talk sense?"

"I don't trust him, but I also don't have a better idea," said Crane. "As long as we're relatively quiet, there shouldn't be a problem. It shouldn't be too difficult to be discreet…"

At that moment, they heard a loud crashing noise coming nearer and nearer, and suddenly a tank appeared in front of them. The hatch was raised and the Joker popped out, dressed in a general's uniform, with Harley next to him wearing combat gear.

"Evening, troops!" he exclaimed. "Who's ready to party?"

"What happened to the stealth plan?" growled Two-Face, angrily.

Joker shrugged. "I realized I wasn't really a stealth kinda guy, Harv. That's more Bats's style. The Joker makes an entrance! And what better way to make an entrance than with a tank and a couple of missiles? You ready to fire, Private Quinn?"

"Roger that, General J, sir!" exclaimed Harley, saluting.

"Then let's get this party started!" giggled Joker. "Oh, and I'd stand back if I were you guys."

They obeyed, leaping backward as three missiles were fired right into the apartment building. Scores of men immediately poured out into the street, firing at the tank. Ivy, Two-Face, Crane, and Tetch hid from view, watching bullets pound into the tank.

"What's the plan now?" muttered Ivy. "I guess I can send in some of these plants, if you want, although I'd hate to sacrifice my babies like that…"

"That won't be necessary, Pammie," said Joker, appearing behind them. He had changed back into his regular purple suit, and Harley was beside him in her usual costume. "Any second now they're going to hit one of the bombs I've planted on the tank, and it's going to explode and be a nice, pretty spectacle for the guys shooting at us, while we head for the entrance to the ventilation shaft around the corner. See, not dumping the stealth thing entirely – just thought we could use a little distraction, you know, for fun! Plus if Thorne and company think we've been neutralized by blowing up the tank, we once again regain the element of surprise."

"Ain't he just a genius, Red?" sighed Harley, adoringly. "Mr. J's so spontaneous! Always making life fun and zany!"

"Yeah, being shot at is a barrel of laughs," growled Two-Face.

"I told you we wanted a less crazy maniac in charge," muttered Tetch.

The tank exploded at that moment, sending shards of metal into the air, and a huge cloud of smoke into the crowd. Under the cover of chaos, the six villains headed to the ventilation shaft on the left-hand side of the building. Ivy summoned some vines down from the side of the building to rip off the grate. "Ladies first," said Joker, grinning and gesturing inside.

Ivy crawled in, followed by Harley, Joker, Two-Face, Tetch, and lastly Crane, who replaced the grate and then sprayed some fear gas out into the crowd. "Terrified men with guns is a rather amusing experiment," he explained. "And it will be handy that they've all shot each other if we need to make a quick escape."

"Aw, looks like the Scarecrow don't need that brain from the Wizard after all!" chuckled Joker. He whistled _We're Off to See the Wizard_ as they crawled up the ventilation duct.

"J, the whole stealth thing, are we just scrapping that or what?" growled Two-Face.

"Sorry, Harv, I'm just a happy guy with a song in my heart and a smile on my face!" said Joker, grinning.

"Yeah, well, shut up if you don't want us all to get killed," snapped Ivy, turning around.

"Don't talk to Mr. J like that, Red!" retorted Harley.

"If Tweedledum and Tweedledee are going to have a battle, can it wait until we're not climbing through the air ducts of a heavily guarded building?" hissed Tetch.

"Yes, everyone just shut up, please!" whispered Crane.

"Thought you weren't afraid of anything, Professor," chuckled Joker.

"I'm not afraid, but nor am I looking forward to being shot," retorted Crane.

Joker shrugged. "I've been shot a few times. It's not so bad – kinda pleasant after awhile. Y'know, like when you just keep getting punched up and it stops hurting and just starts to turn you on."

Everyone stopped and stared at him. "Oh right, like that don't happen to any of you," he muttered.

"It happens to me, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley.

"Shut up, Harl!" hissed Ivy. "Jesus Christ, if Crane's gas weren't making them all shoot off their guns randomly and covering for the noise we're making, we'd all be dead! Everyone quiet! Now!"

"Hey, I'm in charge here, Pammie!" retorted Joker. "I tell people when to be quiet! Now everyone be quiet! We're almost at the elevator shaft!"

Ivy glared at him but continued crawling forward. Harley followed close behind her, but suddenly shrieked as she put her weight on a loose grate and fell down. Joker caught her leg before she dropped and pulled her back up. "Told you you were fat, you useless dame!" he hissed. "Now shut up!"

Ivy could hear Two-Face muttering under his breath, his usual reaction when irritated. She turned around to tell him to shut up, when her hand suddenly met air and she fell forward. She dropped about six feet onto the top of the elevator, not enough to break anything but enough to hurt. A lot.

"Watch that first step, Pammie!" chuckled Joker, as he followed Harley climbing down to join her.

Ivy whirled around and punched him in the face. "Red, don't!" cried Harley, leaping protectively in front of him.

"It's ok, pooh, she hits like a girl," said Joker, patting Harley's head. "And it's her court martial. That's the penalty for hitting a superior officer."

"Anything broken?" asked Two-Face, joining them along with Crane and Tetch.

"Why would you care?" she snapped.

"Just trying to be nice," he growled. "No need to bite my head off."

"It's the sexual tension, Harv," said Joker, grinning.

"Shut up, clown," he growled. "There's absolutely no sexual tension between me and Pammie."

"You and Pammie? No, I meant Pammie and me!" Joker laughed. Ivy started forward to hit him again as Joker kept laughing. "You see? She can't keep her hands off me!"

"Just stay away from him, Red!" shrieked Harley, clutching herself protectively against Joker.

"This bickering isn't helping anything!" shouted Crane, stepping in between them. "Both of you just act like grown-ups!"

"When this is over, I'm going to beat your face in, clown!" hissed Ivy.

"Love it when you talk dirty, Pammie!" chuckled Joker.

"Calm down, Pam!" said Two-Face, grabbing her arm as she started forward again.

"Don't tell me what to do!" she shrieked. "And don't touch me!"

"Everyone be quiet before something unpleasant happens!" snapped Tetch.

At that moment, they heard a click from underneath them. "That doesn't sound pleasant," murmured Crane.

They were all thrown forward as the elevator suddenly started to rise rapidly. "I told you..." began Tetch.

"No time for I told you so; what are we going to do now?!" shouted Crane.

Two-Face strode over to the hatch leading down into the elevator itself and tried to pull it up. "It's locked!" he growled.

"Plan, Mr. J?" said Harley, clutching his arm tightly as the ceiling came up fast.

He rushed over to the hatch and sprayed acid from the flower in his buttonhole onto the lock. He and Two-Face just managed to lift it open when suddenly a mass of giant roots burst up into the shaft and seized the elevator, pulling it to a stop amid sparks. The elevator screeched to a halt just inches from the top of the building. Harley let out a sigh of relief.

"Nice work, Red!" she breathed, beaming at her.

Ivy didn't respond, except to smirk at Joker and Two-Face as she walked past them and dropped down into the elevator.

"You can have her, Harv. I don't like smug women," said Joker. "C'mon, Harley."

They all climbed down into the elevator, where Ivy waited with her crossbow aimed at the door. "I think they might know we're here," she muttered.

"Then maybe we should surprise them," said Tetch, who was still on top of the elevator. "I won't be a moment."

He disappeared from view into the ventilation system as the other villains pointed their respective weapons at the doors, waiting for them to open.

They did, amidst a hail of bullets. Joker and Harley ducked behind one side of the elevator while Two-Face, Ivy, and Crane hid behind the other, using pauses in the gunfire to shoot their own weapons out into the hall.

"Harvey, what are you doing?" asked Ivy, suddenly noticing that Two-Face flipped his coin before each shot.

"Just checking if I should aim for their heads or someplace less vital," he muttered.

"For God's sake, just shoot!" shouted Crane. "What is the bright idea for getting us out of this situation, J?"

"Anytime Hatty wants to start his very merry unbirthday party is fine with me!" shouted Joker.

And at that moment, the gunfire abruptly stopped. They heard the men slowly file away, muttering to each other in confusion. And a moment later, Tetch appeared at the door to the elevator, smiling.

"Apparently they were ordered to cease and desist by the highest authority, who wishes to handle the intruders on their own. Or at least, that's what I told their commander to relay to them," he said, idly flipping one of his hat cards between his fingers.

"Gee, Hatty, I'm kinda sorry for calling you a nerd now," laughed Joker.

"You never called me a nerd," said Tetch.

"In my head I did," replied Joker. "A lot. I called Crane one too though, so don't take it personally."

"We need to hurry before the mob bosses realize what's going on and send them back after us," growled Two-Face. "Dumb as they are, it shouldn't take them too long to figure out something's wrong."

"Righty-ho! Let's move out!" laughed Joker.

They hurried down the hall, rounded the corner, and came to face-to-face with two men guarding the door to the penthouse. Two-Face reached for his coin.

"Kinda don't have time for that, Harvey!" shouted Joker, shooting them both in the head.

Two-Face and Joker then kicked open the door and entered the penthouse, with the others following.

The lights were low, with only a fire burning in the grate and the lamp on Thorne's desk lit. The room appeared to be empty, but suddenly Harley shrieked as she was seized around the waist by Thorne, holding a gun to her head.

"You freaks stay back, or the clown bitch gets it!" he hissed. He was joined seconds later by Sal Maroni and Carmine Falcone, who stood shoulder to shoulder with Thorne as Harley struggled in his grip.

"We're leaving here right now," said Thorne, backing towards the door and dragging Harley with him. "And we're taking the slut with us so you don't try anything funny. You've been known to do that, Joker."

He headed for the door, but Joker stepped in front of him, slamming the door and blocking his path. "You're not going anywhere, Thorny boy," he said, grinning.

Thorne pressed the gun against Harley's temple. "I will shoot her, clown."

"You go right ahead and do that," replied Joker, his smile never fading. "You'd be doing me a huge favor. That useless bitch has been clinging to me for years, and I haven't been able to kill her myself. Lord knows I've tried!" he laughed. "No, but seriously, you kill her for me, Thorny. She's an utter waste of space, and she's been a thorn in my side for far too long. You blow her little brains out. It would make me smile to see that – it would make me laugh. You wanna make me happy, Thorny, you pull the trigger."

"J, what the hell are you doing?" hissed Ivy.

"Don't worry, Pammie, he won't shoot her," said Joker, grinning at Thorne. "He wouldn't make my day like that, would you, Thorny, old pal? You aren't a nice guy like that, are you?"

Thorne glared at him, trying to see if he were serious or not. Joker just grinned back at him. "Oh, c'mon, Thorne, just do it!" shouted Joker. "You've got nothing else to threaten me with, have you? Just shoot her, so we can get on with the business at hand! Namely, your deliciously delirious deaths! Once Harley is out of the way, we can move on to the things that matter. And I don't know about the boys, but Ivy is gonna be really pissed when you shoot Harley. She's gonna make your deaths a lot more painful than she otherwise would have. And Crane here, he's got a bit of a crush on Harley girl too. The rest of us, we don't care so much about Harley, but we'll probably just enter into the spirit of long and lingering torture if the other two are keen on it. So why don't you make us angry, Thorny boy? That sounds like a great plan – upsetting the freaks. So just shoot the bitch already!"

With a growl, Thorne shoved Harley forward. Joker grabbed her arm and pulled her behind him. Then he aimed his gun at Thorne. "Don't like to get your hands dirty, huh, Thorny? Not a fan of random, pointless violence?" he chuckled. "Well, that's where you and I differ, I guess."

He pulled the trigger. The gun clicked. It was empty. Joker's smile fell a little, but he turned to Two-Face. "Harv, be a pal and shoot him for me, wouldya?"

Two-Face raised his gun, but at that moment a black shape burst through the roof, landing in between the line of gangsters and supervillains.

"Huh. Didn't think you could get through that way," said Joker, squinting at the roof. "Could have saved ourselves a lot of crawling through vents. Don't know what you see in that practice, Bats – it's gotta be bad for your back."

"Put the weapons down," said Batman, firmly. "All of you. I'm taking you in."

"Over my dead body, Bats," growled Two-Face, aiming his gun at Batman. "Say goodbye."

He pulled the trigger. And his gun clicked. So did his second gun. "Wasn't anyone careful with bullets?" demanded Joker. "C'mon, we've got to have something we can distract Bats with!"

Harley's gun was also empty. Ivy was all out of crossbow bolts too, and Crane and Tetch didn't have any practical weapons useful for close range combat in a small space. The villains all felt around their pockets, but only Ivy found something useful at last, her lipstick. She hurriedly applied it as Batman approached them. "Just kiss him already!" shouted Two-Face.

She started forward to do just that, but Joker intercepted Batman first, seizing his face in his hands and shoving his mouth onto his in a kiss. Everyone stared at the scene, astounded, Batman not least of all, who fell backward, gasping in horror as Joker drew away.

"C'mon, let's go!" shouted Joker, grabbing Harley's hand and rushing out of the room.

"I meant for Pammie to kiss him," muttered Two-Face as he and the others followed.

"Hey, we needed a distraction and it worked, didn't it?" demanded Joker. "Besides, Pammie would have only neutralized Bats, while this way I neutralized everyone!"

"You've just been wanting to do that for years, haven't you?" growled Ivy.

"Yeah, and if I'm honest, it was kinda disappointing," retorted Joker. "All that build-up, all that tension, and he's just not a very good kisser. Why didn't you tell me, Pammie?"

"Didn't want to ruin your fantasy, J," she retorted.

"It's ok – I have others," he said, grinning at her. "You, me, and a set of pruning shears for one."

They had reached the bottom floor of the apartment and raced outside, hearing guards following behind them. "Do allow me," said Crane, turning around and unleashing a cloud of gas into the building.

"Nice try, Professor, but that won't be enough to stop Batsy!" retorted Joker, reaching into his pocket. He threw a couple of grenades through the door, and they all ran. The explosion that followed was absolutely spectacular, the fire igniting the fear gas and destroying the building in a blaze of light and smoke.

"He won't be dead, y'know," muttered Two-Face as they watched from a safe distance.

"No, but maybe Thorne and company will," retorted Joker. "And even if they're not, I had fun on this caper, don't know about the rest of you!"

"Oh, it was a blast," said Crane, dryly.

"Hey, I do the jokes around here!" growled Joker.

"Just remind me never to collaborate with you on anything ever again," snapped Ivy. "In future, I'd rather been chopped up alive."

"You ever want that to happen, Pammie, you give me a call," chuckled Joker. "Well, goodnight, everyone, it's been a blast!"

"I just made that joke," muttered Crane.

"Yeah, but your delivery was poor," retorted Joker. "You're not a funny guy, Professor. You're just a nerd. And I can't help but count my blessings that I'll never have to work with any one of you ever again!" He chuckled. "Love ya all, really! See you guys around! Toodles!"

He laughed to himself as Harley followed him away. "At least I'm not in love with Batman," growled Crane after he left.

"Yeah, that was awkward for everyone," agreed Two-Face.

"If I were Harley, I'd be really pissed," said Ivy. "Not just for that, but for all the crap J said about her. Y'know, about it being ok to shoot her and everything."

"Oh, they'll probably work it out – they always do," sighed Crane.

"'If seven maids with seven mops swept it for half a year, do you suppose,' the Walrus said, 'That they could get it clear?' 'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter, and shed a bitter tear," muttered Tetch.

"What does that have to do with anything?" snapped Ivy.

"Quite obvious, really," replied Tetch. "Hoping that they'll change the pattern of their endlessly cyclical and volatile relationship is about as useful as trying to sweep away the sand on the beach. And caring about it just as futile."

"The Carpenter still sheds a tear, though," murmured Crane.

"Yes, well, none of us are carpenters here," retorted Tetch, walking away.

"No," agreed Crane, as they all followed. "Just freaks."


	5. Chapter 5

"I can't believe it!" exclaimed Joker, reading the newspaper the next day. "All that work and not only does Bats save all three of them, but they're safely holed up in a nice cosy prison for the next several years! The lucky bastards! Free meals, free TV, and a roof over their heads! What more could they possibly want, eh, Harley girl?" he chuckled.

Harley ate her breakfast in silence and said nothing. She hadn't said a word since the previous night, not that Joker minded this. She often talked too much for his liking. But now her sulking was just getting irritating. So with a sigh, he put down the paper and said, "All right. What is it, Harley?"

"What is it?" she repeated, angrily. "I think you know what it is, Mr. J."

"Look, that thing between me and Batsy was just a distraction, pooh," he said. "It worked, didn't it? You can't possibly be jealous of Batsy."

She shook her head. "I ain't jealous of Batsy. I understand that, Mr. J, and I agree it worked really well. I get why you did that. I don't get why you did that other thing."

"What other thing?" he asked.

"All those things you said about me to Rupert Thorne," she muttered. "And telling him to shoot me, that I didn't matter to you, that he'd be doing you a favor…"

"Oh, c'mon, Harley, you're not thick!" he snapped. "What do you think he would have done if he knew I cared about you?"

"He probably wouldn't have shot me, like you were asking him to!" she snapped.

"No, but he would have held you hostage," he snapped. "Used you to escape, held you prisoner just until you stopped being useful to him, and then probably have killed you anyway for all I know! I wasn't going to let you leave the room with him! I didn't know what he'd do to you if I let you out of my sight! I had to keep you both in the room, in my power, so I could call his bluff! Which I did!"

"You didn't know he wouldn't have shot me," muttered Harley.

"No," he agreed. "But I do know that if he had got away with you, I might never have seen you again. I couldn't take that risk, pooh. I don't trust him. But I do trust my powers of persuasion – they've been very effective in the past."

"So you gambled for my life," retorted Harley.

"Yeah," he agreed. "And I won. I was pretty sure I would. You have to gamble sometimes, pumpkin, that's what life's all about. Taking risks, accepting challenges. It's what makes life fun."

"It wasn't fun for me, Mr. J!" she snapped.

"Well, if it's any consolation, it wasn't fun for me either!" he snapped. "In fact, it was hellish! I've never been in a situation like that before, where someone was threatening someone I cared about, because I ain't never cared about anyone before! I didn't like it at all! Normally if I lose a gamble, I can just laugh it off! But I wouldn't have laughed if I'd lost this one, pooh. I don't know what I would have done."

Harley stared at him. "You wouldn't have laughed?" she murmured.

"No," he snapped. "At least, I don't think I would have. Like I said, I don't know what I would have done. But I don't like the idea of anyone threatening my Harley girl but me. I don't like the idea of anyone hurting my Harley girl but me. And I don't like the idea of anyone killing my Harley girl but me. That's my job. Y'know, someday when you annoy me or it's funny or something," he muttered, returning to reading the newspaper.

Harley continued to stare at him. "You mean that, Mr. J?" she whispered.

"Course I do, kid," he retorted. "But until then, no one is going to touch a hair on your head. I don't like people touching my stuff. And you're mine, kiddo, whether you like it or not. So stop sulking, put a goddamn smile on your stupid face, and go make me another cup of coffee! And don't be stingy with the sugar this time, you dumb broad! Don't know why I keep you around sometimes."

Harley rose, smiling, and kissed him tenderly on the forehead. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered.

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "Love blah blah you whatever too. Coffee, Useless. Now."

Harley beamed as she picked up his mug and headed for the kitchen. Maybe the gangsters were right about them – maybe they were all freaks. But she and Mr. J were happy freaks, and that was all that mattered.

**The End**


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